All the World’s a Stage

On March 4, 2006 my husband and I were married in the Little White Wedding Chapel in Las Vegas.  Just me, Andrew and the tiny developing person in my uterus.  Andrew was pleased as punch.  He thought he had escaped whole big wedding thing.  I was not so pleased.  I wanted my dress.  I wanted my reception.  I wanted all the cheesy things that I know in the grand scheme of life, didn’t matter.  So what? I WANTED MY DAY!

And on Sept 9, 2011, mama got her day.

Now, one might ask why I didn’t have it closer to the our actual anniversary.  Well I had, but I was cast in a show out-of-town and moved it.  I’m not insane.  I was not about to give up two months of solid work.

I was determined to have a classy wedding, with some Old Hollywood glam for about 100 people…on the cheap.  It helped that I  “know people”

Ceremony/reception

Orange County Regional History Center.  It use to be the old courthouse.  We held the ceremony in the court room.  It was cute. My uncle walked my Grandma down (I hadn’t seen her in 10 years) My Brother-in-law walked my Mother-in-law, my son (Who before the ceremony was sitting at  the bench proclaiming that he was the judge) walked my mother down in is black tux and red tie I couldn’t talk him out of wearing. And my daddy walked me down.   Then, my family  sat in the jury box.  Rental is a bit cheaper on Fridays and guess who works as an actress there? This chick!  So I got a bit of a discount.

Catering

Levan’s.  They were awesome. I told them that I was on a tight budget and they came up with a great cocktail buffet.  The big hit of the night was the mashed potato bar.

Cupcakes

I went with red velvet cupcakes instead of the traditional wedding cake.  A woman who taught at my husband’s old school has a cupcake making side hustle.  And she gave us a helluva deal.  120 cupcakes for $100

Booze 

We were able to buy it ourselves.  We were  able  to provide our guests will a full open bar, including two speciality drinks, Apple Martini’s and Manhattans.  I love Total Wine and More.   I spent $400.  PLUS I can return all unopened liquor and unchilled wine. (Which I’m not) There were a few bottles leftover , but nothing crazy.   Our bar is now stocked.  I wish they could take the beer, though. BOO! I hate beer. Next party I go to, they are getting a case of Bud Lite!

Flowers

Don’t care, didn’t buy any.  I don’t think anyone noticed.  The venue provided some plants here and there. Boom!

Centerpieces:

Just a collection of brass candle holders, with glass vases.  Got them at the thrift store my mother-in-law works at.  I had ten tables.  I don’t think I paid more than $1 for each piece .  The biggest cost were the glass centerpiece mirrors.  About $5 each at the Hobby Lobby.  As it turns out, the history center would like to buy them off me.  Booyah!

Photo Booth

This was my biggest budget thrill.  To rent a booth, you could be set back $2,000.  No ‘mam.  I  happened to be on a cool site called  the off beat bride and found an awesome tutorial of a DIY Photobooth.  With the cleaver use of a laptop (owned), a computer monitor (Had an extra), a compact photo printer (borrowed from my parents ),  a webcam (Bought a better one), a Griffin Powermate button thingy (Bought), a garment rack with a curtain (bought), and this cool program called Sparkbooth (downloaded), I was able have tons of pictures of my friends making goofy faces, for an out of pocket expense of about $150.

Guesbook:

How MUCH do I love the Internet?  Found this idea of a envelope guestbook.  Basically you take a scrapbook (Got mine at Michaels, 50% off, so $10! Holla!) and glue/tape small envelopes to the pages.  Guests will then write notes on the provided note-cards and place then in the envelope.  To add to the fun, I had them tape their photo booth photos next to their note.  I really hope my photographer got a picture of the set-up.

Photographer

My super awesome actor friend, Jamie-Lyn Hawkins  did our photography.  I chose her because I know she would have more than just “Smiling Bride standing with family” photos.  They would be all artsy and stuff. $200

DJ

Friend of photographer.  Gave me a deal $250.

Invitations

The decision to go with electronic invites was a very difficult one.  Would it be tacky?  But, damn, the cost of paper invitations, response cards, 2 stamps for each invite. That could really add up.  At the end of the day, I was very happy with my choice to go with Greenvelope. ($100) They were very pretty and used this cute animation in which the invite is pulled out of the envelope, as if your were opening it.  Plus, as a guest, you could RSVP in a matter of seconds. As a bride I loved having an accurate tally of RSVP’s.

Veil

I wanted a birdcage veil and a feathered fascinator, and by god I made it myself. I used this tutorial.

Dress:

I wanted to have a retro feel to my dress.  Very simple.  I’m 37  years old and 5’1,  (and already married) I didn’t want a big poofy dress.  I went all over Orlando looking for a dress.  It seemed like everything was strapless. I was getting very sad face-y.   I finally  found my dream dress ( Nicole Miller) Collection Bridal.  I had then cut the train, due to my fear of tripping   The ladies there were very nice.

Shoes:

I spent some money on my shoes   I saw them and fell in love with the style and color.

Hair/Make-up

My long time friend who happens to be a hairstylist (we met years  ago when I was the receptionist at a salon she worked for) did my hair gratis. I had one rule for my hair: NO direct heat.  The night before the wedding I set my hair in extra wide curlformers and sat under the dryer for about 30 minutes, just to get most of the water out.  They were in my hair for about 15 hours. And hell yes, I check into my hotel with rollers in my hiar.  I live in Florida and humidity is no joke.  The make-up artist  (Zelanda Bailey) was referred to me when the woman I’ve worked with many times of photoshoots was not available.  She was awesome, and did a wonderful job.

I think that’s about it. So after about a year of stress, and planning and the periodic meltdown , when all was said and done I spent about $8000 (if that).  I had a blast.  My friends and family, they tell me, had a blast.

I haven’t recieved my  “real photos”  yet

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I’m a geek. Point blank.  I love vampires, cylons and  Mr. Spock.  And I love dressing up, too.  My brain cannot comprehend those who do not like Halloween. So when I heard of this thing called DragonCon, a 4 day convention held in Atlanta consisting of just about every genre known to man, I knew I had to go.  My friend, Meghan M told me about it last year.  I was in a show, so I couldn’t go.  But this year, I was free.  Not only was I going, I decided that I was going to make on of my costumes 

I aint sewed before,  ya’ll.  But I was going to make a corset, bloomers and a bustle skirt for a steampunk look. (My road to sewing is another blog ,ENTIRLY)

The day of departure

Meghan M and I were to drive the day before the convention started.  That way we could get settle and all.  Without going into too much detail, I had had some costume issues and only slept about 30 minutes the night before.  I had to get up, take my son to preschool and wait until Joann Fabrics to open. I had to  finish a skirt and make it to Meghan’s house by 11:30.   I’m driving home, lace in hand and  I get pulled over by the Po Po.  I allegedly ran a red light.  I’m thinking more yellow.  Anyhoo the cop tells me my options.  He was actually leaning towards me going to court.  I’d wind up only paying court fees. We’ll see.

Blah blah blah, drive drive drive.  We’re in Atlanta.  We check into the Hilton and then go to register.  Word to the wise: DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT pre-register.  Yes, it’s cheaper if you do.  But then you have to wait in line with everyone who did.  That line was insane.  By registering onsite , the line was about 15 minutes.  It would have been less if I had used cash.  

We later met up with our friend Dan J, took a mini tour  of 3 of the main convention hotels.  By this time I had been up for 35 hours (barring that 30 minute power nap)  It was time to go to bed.

The Con

It was amazing! Wonderful panels and the coolest costumes.  I mean, there are some really creative people out there.  And everyone just seemed to be friends.  You could just strike up a conversation with everyone.  They even had a parade in honor of my birthday! (jokes)   I didn’t go to as many panels as I had planned, but that was ok.  I didn’t want to have panel overload.  The panels I went to:  True Blood ( Sam, Lafayette and Pam) , Battlestar Galactica (Adama, Chief, Zerick and the Lawyer Guy), Firefly ( River, her brother, Kaylee, and the Courtesan) , Q&A with Avery Brooks and a Shakespeare panel.  The Firefly one was my favorite.  It was like a group of friends shooting the cow poo.

The Celebs

I saw Brent Spiner (Star Trek Data) my first nigt in Atlanta looking for a snack in the hotel.  Remember, I  had been awake awhile.  So, I had to ask my friends if I was tripping.

My first celeb photo was with the fuy would played on of the pirates in POTC.  It was cool, because I was dressed as Tia Damla at the time. unfortunately my corset was slipping during the photo. BOO!

I didn’t realize that there was a big ass room, filled with the celebs signing autographs until Sunday. At the time, I was dressed at Uhurafrom Star trek.  I didn’t want to meet people dressed up, but oh well.  I shook hands and spoke to several.  I did pay for one autograph.  That was from the guy who pays Lafayette on True Blood.  I had him write “Hooka” on it.  Here’s a rundown of the celebrity encounter.  I will be mixing real names and character names.

Levar Burton:  I was next in line and this woman came running up with a camera to take a picture of…me.  Levar said “Well, look at you”   I told him that as a black actor, he was such an inspiration to me.

Lafaytte from True Blood: so sweet

Sam from True Blood: so so nice and so handsome. so so so so so handsome.  I think I froze a bit

Barbara Eden (Jeanie): I told her she was beautiful and I almost broke my neck as a child trying to do that ponytail thing

Larry Hagman (JR Ewing): chiling on a stool with a coyboy hat.

Mohinder from Heroes: (drop dead cute) Told him that I use to call his character “Mohinderance.” Nathan was sitting next to him

My friend Dan really wanted to take a picture with Star Trek TNG’s Deanna Troi.  I held his backpack.  She came up to me and said “I know people tell you you look like Eartha Kitt”  awesome!

And now for my favorite celeb encouter.  We were walking out of the Walk of Fame (celeb signing room) and I see a familiar face.  It was Pete from 30 Rock. I have no idea what made me do this but….

Me: Hey! Hello

Pete(I know his name is Scott): Hello

Me: (smiling like an idiot.  I have an odd crush on him) I really like your work

Pete: I like your costume.  Have you dressed like this the whole weekend

Me: No.  I was Tia Dalma the first nigth, Classic Catwoman last night…

Pete:I saw you last night!

Me: Oh (giggle, holding in the snort)  Could I take a picture with you.

Pete: Sure

He even took a picture with his own camera as well.

Awesome.

I saw him the next day wasI was going down the escalator.

Me: Hey!

Pete:  What are you wearing today?

Me: Steampunk

Pete: very nice.

Awesome.

The Last Day

Checkout was a nightmare. A NIGHTMARE.  Because you pretty much have the entire hotel leaving at the same time, with loads of luggage and 8 elevators.   We were told 30 minutes for bell service.  Not so much.  So, Meghan slowly began to take our stuff to the car. Each trip took about 30 minutes, waiting for an elevator which could fit all the stuff and all.  I was to wait , just in case the bellman showed.  Never did.  Finally it got to the point where we both could handle the remaining bags.  We still had to wait.  FINALLY I was able to squeeze on.   The next stop, the doors opened and there stood Avery Brooks.  But there is no room.  He smiled and said “Aww Man”   I sensed that the other people wanted to push me out, because had I not gotten on, Avery would have had room. hahah.  A the doors closed I said “I’m sorry Avery Brooks, I love your work…” Bing.

Next year.  Get Bell service and load car the night before.

So here are some pictures! You will have to click the photo again on the second page for a larger view.

All in all I had a blast.  Can’t wait until next year.

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Have you ever been to Canton, OH? Me either, and don’t plan on it. That is why I told my husband I had NO desire to go there for his friend’s wedding. I’d rather stay home. Being the most excellent husband he is, he remembered how I was going on and on about wanting to go to New York. So, for my 35th birthday, he bought me a roundtrip ticket to NYC during the time he would be in Ohio. Cool beans.

Among many things I wanted to do, I knew I wanted to cut a hair cut. But who? Eureka! Anthony Dickey creator of the Hair Rules product. I just had to track him down. Loves the Google. At the time, I had no idea that he had just opened his very one salon called, appropriately, Hair Rules Salon. So…SCORE!

I really wanted a good shape. To NOT rock the triangle look that I was currently. But deep in my heart, I knew my ends were wrecked. I don’t do protected styles. I don’t wrap my hair up at night. I’ve told several people, the way I treat my hair, it’s a wonder I’m not baldheaded. So going into this, I knew I was going to lose some length.

The Day

I was so nervous. I walked in, and salon is beautiful. It has a sleek, clean, inviting feel. I was greeted by a woman named Dailey who was sitting behind at the front desk. Dickey was finishing up on a cut. A woman with straight hair. They do all hair here. Anywho, he calls me to his chair and he had a wee chat. Before I sat in the chair good I blurted out my confession:I hadn’t had my hair cut/trimmed in THREE years. He asked me if it was because I didn’t trust anybody. Ummm yeah.. I mentioned that all the natural hair places only— he cut me off. “They only do braids and knots and twists, right” I gave a sigh of relief. YES. YES. YES. I have yet to go to salon that knew how to deal with natural loose hair.

I knew I was in good hands.

He had Dailey shampoo me. Of course they used Hair Rules porducts. As she did, she explained how “regular” shampoos strip hair. Hahha, I let her know she was preaching to the choir. Afterwards, she blew dry my hair semi straight. She used low heat, or at least lower than I use myself. LOL. The poor dear, kept having to go answer the phone. I was wondering why the assistant had phone duties. I would later find out.

Dickey came over and examined my ends. I let him know that I was fine with whatever had to be done. “About that much”. He had about 1 1/2 inches of jacked up ends between his fingers. Oh lord. Because I knew that MORE would have to go to get a good shape.

But hey. I was bout to be cute. So whateves.

Snip. Snip.Snip. Snip. My hair hits the ground. The floor looks like Strawberry Shortcakes poodle exploded. We chatted some more about natural hair. About my hair color. He said that he wished he still had his red hair. LOL

Then it was time for the wash and style. There are three types of styling products. Wavy. Curly. Kinky. I was shocked to see that he used Curly on me. I asked him the difference. He told me both would work for me, but kinky is more elongating and curly was more defining. He applied it to my soaking wet hair at the sink.

Then, baby was put in the corner (RIP Patrick Swayze) under the hair dryer. I’m not sure how long I was under there. I had my Dell mini and my dad let me borrow his air card, so I was good to go. But right when I was getting too hot, Dailey saved me. Behind me I saw a stroller and a woman talking to Dailey.

Woman: I gained about 50lbs
Me: During pregnancy? I gained 80.

When I got a better look I saw that I was talking to Kelis. A great singer and, as it turns out, one of my hair idols.

She asked me how long it took me to lose it. What did I do to lose it. That kind of new mom conversation. She’s very pretty in person.

I was once again brought to Dickey’s chair. And he did some finishing touches.

I LOVED it. It was shorter, but the shape was so nice. It “laid” better. I asked him if I could take a picture and he said yes. WHY did he hand Kelis my camera to take it? hahah. I so wanted to asked her for a picture, but I decided not to. I did tell her that I loved her music and she was my curly hair idol.

Dickey chimed in “Yup. She’s the original curly girl”

In addition to a great cut I was surprised, happily, at the register. I was told that I had product recommendations (of course) and if I would like to buy them. I’m a product junky, but I do love my Kinky Curly, so I bought the travel size. (FYI Hair Rules works great. ) The total was $235. A lot of money. But, I was expecting more. Over the phone I was told that the cut would be $250. This was less WITH product. So yippee.

As I was placing the tips in envelopes I mentioned how it reminded me of my days of working with front desk of a hair salon. The lady perked up. “I’m the manager. We need someone. Are you looking for a job?” I told her that IF I lived in NYC I would have taken her up on her offer.

So, my review of Hair Rules Salon: A+++++

I look goofy in the photo

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On Janurary 2, 2009 I embarked on my very first cruise, EVAH! My mother-in-law purchased the tickets a few months ago. So it would be me, my husband, his two borthers and his brother’s wife. I was very excited and nervous. I wasn’t Titanic nervous. I was Don’t want to be bored nervous. (Not because of the people going. Just being trapped at sea)

The one constant I heard about cruises was “The food is great”. So, being the greedy type, I was all a tingle. Plus, food is included. I don’t have to come out of pocket? HOLLA!

Apparently, “It’s the booze. That’s where the get you” Well, according to my husband. And seeing that he is not one to get gotten, he had a plan. Plan one: fill a water bottle with clear rum. Plan two: empty a bottle of wintergreen mouthwash, pour in Apple Puckers and Vodka. I was so nervous that we were going to get caught. What’s the worst that could happen? They take the bottles? Uhh no. Hubby would be damned if he let’s them that his booze. He’d probably drink the whole thing on site. There wasn’t a problem with the smuggling, but the trip was far from problem-free. I’ll get to that. But, hooch-wise. Easy breezy. He would later have the NERVE to take an empty glass to our cabin, fill it with our Naughty-tini, go BACK to the bar and ask for ice.

So, back to the begining of the trip. Hubby and I drive to Fort Lauderdale. Our ETA was 4pm with the ship setting sail at 7pm. My mother in law, being the product of her generation, got there at 1pm. When we arrived, they were still in line. We were in line for 2 hours and some change. Reason: The ship got held up 3 hours, coming from Italy. (Oh yeah. It was an European cruise line. This being it’s maiden voyage) PLUS they had computer problems. So, basically, by the time they got everything straightened out, 3,000 people were trying to check in and board at the same time.

We finally get on. The ship is beautiful. And here begins my “Oh Heyl Naw” list

*There were two dinner times. Everyone was assigned a time. 6:30 or 8:30. If you ate at 6:30 you could make it to the 9:30 show. There was a later show for the 8:30 dinner. Because of the mess that was boarding, both dinners were late. But they kept the show times the same.

*I’ve had better food at the food court. FASHION SQUARE food court.

*I swear to god they served Tang at breakfast.

*The FIRST night there, I went to the restroom and there was no toilet paper. Friggin had to drip dry

*I missed the first nights show. So I can’t rate it. But the Saturday Variety Show. WOW. I mean, they were talented, I guess. But there was no rhyme or reason. “Can you juggle? Yes? Then you’re in the show. And you men from Africa. Can you tumble? cool. Put on these zebra printed spandex onesies” YES! ZEBRA PRINTED

Of course there was a magician and he wore leather and did jazz hands. If only he played “Final Countdown” during his act. The Can-Can dancers wore thongs. I’m not a prude, but some of the teasing aspect is gone when they flash you and you witness ass crack. I don’t really care for The Phantom of the Opera. Try to stay away from it. I don’t think I’ve ever listened to an entire song. Until this cruise. “Sing for ME!” I’d really rather you didn’t.

*Did I mention the food wasn’t all that?

* Management was just bad. The activies were a bit lame. Have you ever heard “Gloria” in Spanish. I have.

*There was a disco at midnight. The fact that it was called a “disco” should have given me pause. I can’t fault them for my utter distaste in the music. I’m not 22 and don’t like latin pop and reggeatone. Hubby asked for Old School hiphop and the DJ played Kanye West.

*Had this cruise been IN Europe, I would have been inpressed with the amout of English they spoke. But for the amout of shit going wrong, “Common English Phrases” wasn’t gonna cut it.

*There was suppose to be a fire drill at 5pm on Friday, but with the boarding crisis, it was rescheduled for Saturday at 8 IN THE MORNING.

In the immortal words of my husband, “F*ck that!” We stayed in bed.

*I’m pretty sure that a mad rush OFF a cruise is not the norm. Even our return departure was a hot mess.

Now, I don’t want to sound ungrateful. It wasn’t a totaly bust. It was just like a floating Motel 6. Bare boned. The Bahamas was fun. I got to take pictures with some Flamingos and I’m pretty sure I saw some R.O.U.S.’S (For you Princess Bride fans)

But my fav moment was chilling in the cabin at 1am, while hubby challenged me in “Name that Tune” with his cell’s mp3 player.

Oh! and the SS Tyra is not the ship’s name. It’s the MSC Orchestra. I just call it that because it’s really pretty on the outside, but a bit of chaos going on in the inside.

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Tonight was just like any other Monday night. The baby (who will be two on the 28th) was at my parents house, I was wasting time on the internet and Andrew was applying for a job as a PE teacher for the Florida Virtual Schools. (try to wrap your minds around THAT)

We hear this soft thud outside. It didn’t really concern us too much. Could have been anything. We went back to our activities. About 15 minutes later, Andrew goes to take out the trash. He walks ouside and this was the next thing I hear: HOLY CRAP, THERE’S A CATFISH IN OUR DRIVEWAY.

I’m thinking someone threw a catfish in our yard.

AND IT’S STILL ALIVE! IT’S JUST FLOPPING AROUND!

The hell?

I’m still in the living room. So our whole conversation is us screaming back and foward. There is NOT a catfish in our driveway. Yes there is. How did it get here? Maybe it came with the rain. WHAT?! Haven’t you heard of fish falling from the sky? NO! Come see it. NO! Come On!

So I go out there. That thing wasn’t flopping. It was walking. I don’t care WHAT Andrew said that f*cker had feet. I can back into the house yelling “That’s no catfish!”

I grab the camera. I wanted to take a picture of it. And by “I” I mean make Andrew take the picture whilst I crouched between a Honda and a Hyundai.

But when I went back, Andrew was not to be seen.. And neither was the Sea Beast. I kept calling for him, but nothing. I “knew” that the Sea Beast hadn’t eaten my husband, but I didn’t KNOW that for a fact.

Jumping to hysterical conclusions runs in the family. Thanks, Mama.

Andrew finally shows with a fish net. I hand him the camera and run back into the house.

He comes back. He didn’t take the picture. Sea Beast was too fast and he didn’t want it to get away. Apparently it now resides in our pond.

Great.

Andrew has come up with a couple of other theories.

1. It could have been an algae eater that he put in the pond that’s all growed up. (People, that thing was huge) BUT how and why would it climb out.

2. It swam. (FROM WHERE?! It’s not like we have a stream leading up to our driveway)

I still think he thinks it came from the heavens. Too bad it didn’t leave a splat mark in the shape of The Virgin Mary, we could have made some serious bank.

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Twice a year I say to myself “I’m going to work out” . Those times are 1. The onset of bathing suit season and 2. Halloween.

So I am gearing up for that special holiday where being a Slutty________ is not only acceptable but rewarded by a vote of your drunken peers in bars across our great nation.

This year I plan to be hot. I say this every year. I get my little Five Factor Fitness book out (If It’s good enough for Halle, it’s good enough for me.) I fantasize about tight abs and tighter thighs. Wondering which costume idea will showcase my potential fitness.

But let’s face it kids. I’m lazy as hell. I find every excuse in the world not to work out. I pay $10 a month on a gym membership I don’t use. I’m an actress. I don’t have a steady paycheck. And I am totally OK with this complete waste of money. I won’t cancel because 1. I’m too lazy to write the letter and 2. I MIGHT go.

(no, I won’t )

I also have this weird thing where I HAVE to start working out on a Monday. So If I’m too “busy” on a Monday, then I have to skip the whole week and wait for the next Monday. This insanity has been going on the about a year now.

So I actually started this Monday. I’m on day three. My body hurts. But I try to envision my new bod and keep it up. Watch out for me come October 31st!

*I do eat cookie dough after every workout. Is that wrong?*

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If you see me coming, you best start running. I’m bad news, I tells ya, bad news. I am not to be messed with. When the music strikes, so will I.

What am I talking about? Patience grasshopper.

Many of you who read my blog know, (and anyone I speak to for more than 4minutes) my new happy place is I-Bar on Tuesday Nights.

Love’s it.

I went the other night and had a blast. There was no Red Death. Which was a good thing. I was called to read for The Neverending Story at the Rep (pssst. I got the part). And I was there with fun people. David K and Sarah Jane F. of Major Barbara fame. And, from time to time, Zac of Sonnet for an Old Century stage managing fame.

We danced non-stop. Towards the end, this guy sporting aviator glasses asked me to dance. He was pretty good. Turns out he was a dance instructor in Brazil. So, he knew all kinds of moves. Underarm turns, dips, the whole nine.

He was not familiar with certain move from my dance repertoire. The Trenell Cracks You in the Lip With Her Elbow Move. Give it a few months, it’ll be a hit.

*snort* hit.

There’s blood all over his face. I ran to the bar to get some ice. He ran to the bathroom to get some tissue. He came back. His lip was too through.

And he still wanted to dance with me.

Afterwards, when I was walking to my car, I noticed that there was blood on my elbow. Ummm ew! Stranger Blood. David tells me that it was actually my blood. Shit. How hard to you have to hit someone in the face to draw your OWN blood. My elbow is still a bit sore.

Poor Ernesto. That’s not his name. Between the assault and him only knowing about 5 words of English, I didn’t catch his name. “AGH!” is universal, though.

So I dedicate this song to the guy with the swoled up lip, Ernesto.

CLICK HERE

(I’m starting to think that I should stay home haha)

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I may pee a little bit……..and I just did.

I am  SO going to their concert.

I got an email from my friend of a million years. She sent it to our whole “gang”

New Kids is going to be in St Pete Nov 2 it’s a Sunday. Who’s in?

One of my friend’s replied: I wasn’t IN in 9th grade and I’m not in now.

hahah. That was my FIRST concert. I was in the 9th grade.  I went with my two friends Michelle Franklin and Adreinne something.  We went by OURSELVES.  My two companions were well versed in  Teen Bet lore, so they recognized a young Mark Wahlberg.  We were sitting near backstage and they called him over.  He came by to talk.  I sorta sunk in my seat.  I was still in my “I’m too ugly to live” stage so I didn’t want to insult his eyes with my visage.  MAN! Let me meet him now.  I’ve cutened up a bit.

I was never a “screaming” kind of a girl, so I was annoyed  with all the silly girls and a bit whoozy from all the clearosil in the air.  It was still a good concert.

This time around , imma have to sneak backstage. Everytime I think about them I scream.  An actual scream.  Complete with jazz hands above my head.
The whole arena is going to be filled to the gill with gen x-ing MILFS.

My favorite was Joey.  Most likely because he was the closest to my age. Like it mattered.  Now, I’d take them all..well not all.

My hubby, as I type, is mocking my taste in music.

Him: all the guys HATED them!

Me: (summoning my inner 14 year old band geek) They were just JEALOUS

Ahhh, Joey my love.  Til  November….

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The last time I went to The Blue Martini was Halloween 2007.

I hated it then, and I hate it now.

Since they close Room 3-Nine, my dance buddies, Mariel J and Natalie C and I have no place to shake our collective money-makers. That was our place. And now, it is no more. We decided to go to The Blue Martini. Well I shouldn’t say “we” decided. I just was just so happy that our schedules would allow us to hang out, that I said “yes”

For those of you who have never gone to The Blue Martini on a Saturday night, let me tell you what goes on there. REALLY BAD MUSIC ALL NIGHT LONG

And that really bad music would be techno.

I hate techno more than any of you can fathom. It makes me angry. If I were given a choice to listen to nothing but techno for a week or club a baby seal, I would give the seal a 2 minute head start.

If my life was a Greek myth, my Tartarus would be a techno club, with the Furies spinning remixes of “Eye of the Tiger”

I love to dance, but techno stops me dead in my tracks. I don’t dance to techno, usually. (We’ll get to that later) I just stand there on the dance floor, salty. I’m also a little envious of the people who can dance to this music. They look like they are having a blast.

I just look mean.

Looking mean does not deter the men folk. In fact, it attracts them. Swooping in with such clever lines as, “Hey, why you looking so mean?” And my all time favorite “Smile.”

And to add insult to injury, when I arrived at a club I knew full well was going to play ass music, I had to pay a $5 cover. I don’t do covers, usually. But I adore my friends, so I paid. On top of that, an Appletini cost $14. Unless those apples came from the same tree of those responsible for the fall of man, that damn drink should not have cost me $6 shy of 20 bucks.

So no Mr. Man, I will not “smile”.

When Mariel tried to request some music. The DJ told her that he wasn’t her personal Ipod. Ass.

I can’t say the night was a complete bust. I was there with my friends, whom I love. And I know that in a few short months we won’t be able to see each other, so I try to cherish that time we have left.

But this music was killing me , yo.

At some point, while standing there looking evil, I decided that I did not want to be the topic of conversation on someone’s drive home. “Did you see that girl on the dance floor? She looked like a bitch. Cute shoes, though” So, I danced to the crap which is techno. I didn’t want to be a party pooper.

And my shot had just kicked in.

Every so often I would mutter “I hate this music” A guy who was, sorta dancing with me, I guess, heard me.

Him: What?

Him: Russian.

Of course. This is why I know that if I ever go to Europe, I won’t be partying. Techno, the official friggin music of Europe.

I did do something I had never done before. Me, Natalie and Gloria danced on a raised platform. It was interesting watching people watch you dance. The men looked like lions eyeing gazelles walking on a tightrope.

After we finished, some other women climbed up. Their shoes were ill-fitting and their feet were unfortunate. It looked as though their toes were trying to climb over the edge of their shoes.

And now another scene from Trenell’s interaction with a random man.

I was walking through the club, when I was stopped by some guy.

Him: You are the most beautiful girl in here.

Me: You got to talk to me. I made YOUR night.

And I walked off. Ass.

The next time any of you hear me say “I’m going to The Blue Martini”, this is what I want you to do. Take my purse and grab $25. Beat Box a techno rhythm loudly in my ear and then spray whatever Cologne of the Week is on sale at Dillard and say, “There. I saved you a trip”

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I am done. Through.  I am never going out again. (complete lie)  Frankly my liver can’t take it.  I only average about 3 drinks, but I’m only 5’1 so it can’t, I don’t know, disperse.

So last night I went out with my friend to I-Bar.   Under normal circumstances,  I cannot abide I-Bar because I’m not a big Erasure, The Cure fan.  Any of that music where you have to dance to the words and not the beat, if there is one.  But it was Sunday and they changed  their format.  Cheesey 80′s makes me happy. Alas, the regular DJ was out of town, so it was normal I-Bar music.  Crap.  But unlike the others times I encountered this type of music, I didn’t look at everyone dancing in disdain and say ” Fug it.  I’m going across the street”  I decided to stay.

I started the night with a simple rum and coke.  Then my friend mentioned something along the lines of  he was going to get “some real drinks” He came back with this cute fruity drink.  He told me the name, but the music was loud.  I didn’t hear it.  Had I, I would not have had 2 of them.

Oh how I danced and danced.  It’s not like I cannot dance without the aid of booze.  Dancing is WHY I go out.  But, I may have not danced with such joy to that music without the aid of my tasty red  libation.

You see, this drink, as do many sweet drinks, sneaks up on you, like a downtown crackhead.  One minute you are fine, the next minute you are praying to your God  “Please don’t let me fall down these stairs”

That brings me to other thing about I-Bar.  The stairs to the DJ booth.  You must REALLY want to hear a particular song if you are willing to take on the those friggin stairs.  I hold on with both hands and  quitetly mumble “Oh God. Oh God. Oh God” with each step.

But I digress.  I had me gay old time.  Closed the place out.

Then I woke up the next morning.

Turns out the sweet elixir that I was slamming down was called Red Death.  I don’t drink shit that has the word death in it.  I looked up the ingredients.

Southern Comfort, Vodka, Amaretto, Triple Sec, Sloe Gin, Lime, Orange Juice

It taste like a  big Hawaiian Punch, but makes you feel like you’ve been punched by a big Hawaiian

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